grand theft footsies
by Amber the Placenta
Summary: the world of grand theft auto is unsure of the solution of the math equation of the stars.
1. Chapter 1

Claude Speed stared into the void, as his lonely heart dripped with a fluid that was not water but of a foreign element unknown to science.

Claude was joined by Tommy, who sat perched upon a scorpion made of sand and suspended time. They gazed through the universe, finding no answers, so they stared through each other, their gazes a matrix of equilibrium.

The ocular melding of the mystical creatures was broken by the entry of CJ. He had a bucket in each hand. He splashed Claude with the contents of one bucket. The bucket had water in it. Claude convulsed violently as he retched his stomach and intestines out, followed by his spleen, heart and eventually his own lungs. The eviscerated man quivered in a puddle of blood, organs, and water, wasted. The organs turned to stone.

Tommy Vercetti looked down upon the mess. He shed a methane tear before the second bucket met him with the same fate, except he eviscerated himself rectally instead of orally.

CJ ate all the silicon alien organs, then took off into the sunset with his jetpack.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy Vercetti was jogging around Vice City on a Sanchez made entirely out of hooker shit, when he was rudely dropkicked off of his walking bike by Jezz Torrent, who was butt naked except for duct tape X's over his nipples. Tommy Vercetti was flung into space bu this kick, where he met space cockroaches who get pregnant by stealing human sperm with dickprobes.

Tommy was pissed from having his bikejogging time cut short, so he threw the bugs out the window then hijacked the spaceship. He flew the spaceship to the Andromeda galaxy to evade the 7 star wanted level he got for spaceship grand theft auto, then crashed it into a star. Tommy drained this star's lifeflame into his nipples until it became but a dwarf. Imbued with the power of a star, Tommy can now fly on wings of fire. He flew back to Earth then murdered all the water with sun lasers. Tommy then flew through the dried up sea floor and punched sharks at Jezz, who ate them while Phil Cassidy fapped to porn of anthro Rhino tanks on the internet that his mom invented.

Tommy had it with Jezz, so he flew to his mansion, breathed a ring of fire surrounding it, then crawled under his horde of gold and silver for protection. Jezz attacked the ring of fire with a Love Fist Fury, turning it to bullets of salt water which shot at Tommy, but he evaporated the water by shooting molotov cocktail boogers at them.

Tommy vomited grenades, which exploded and caught the treasure room on fire. The fire melted the pile of valuable metals to Tommy's body, which he broke at the joints to form a golden armor. Tom,my flew out of his mansion and right at Jezz, whose salt water bullets bounded right off the draconic shell. Tommy landed upon Jezz, pinned him down then bit his head off. Tommy ate Jezz's head, then threw the body into the fire.

Tommy then flew to The Malibu and laid waste to it because he could. The anti-dragon military showed up with mithril armor and enchanted guns which shoot bullets of ice. Tommy roared as he dropped his pants and gave birth through his dickhole Vercetti brood, which here miniature Tommies made entirely out of lava. The lava beings grew then hardened up into 6 new clones of Tommy!

The Vercetti brood fought the anti-dragon military until the last broodling was slain by the last surviving soldier. She impaled the broodling's heart upon the hilt of her dracobane zanmato, then swung it at Tommy who dodged it then countered with his explosive grenade breath. Tommy shrieked, flew to the Pole Position Club, grabbed Mercedes with his feet then flew upon plasma wings to the roof of his mansion, where he sought to impregnate her with his brood.

"You could have just asked!" Mercedes yelled then slapped Tommy. His head came off, then fell into the water where it disintegrated. The body regrew a new head, which laughed.

Tommy and Mercedes got funky on the roof, but their funky time was cut off by the arrival of the fairycopters. They shoot pure concentrated moon energy, the antithesis to Tommy's draconic sun power. Tommy dodged a moonblast, which Mercedes took for him like a boss because Mercedes is a fairy. The impact made her go into labor and give birth to an abomination which ate the helicopters and ate the wanted level bar. It ate Tommy and Mercedes, then ate all of Vice City. Only blue hell remained.

The dragonfairy ate blue hell, then ate itself.


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy Vercetti was punching tanks straight to hell where they belong, when Super Saiyan Rambo jumped out of a tank then roundhouse kicked Tommy. He flew to the planet Filgaia, where he ripped Rudy Roughnight apart and rebuilt him as a spaceship which fires blood lasers and drops justice bombs.

Tommy flew the ship back to Vice City and bombed Rambo, but he ate the bombs and transformed into RoboCop.

"DEAD OR ALIVE YOU'RE COMING WITH ME" droned Super Saiyan RamboCop who tried to bust Tommy, but Tommy had killed all the water and was also an axe wizard. His legs caught fire, then he remembered he was a Martian. RamboCop fired a Galick Gun at Tommy, which made his head fall off. The head grew spider legs then crawled up RamboCop's exhaust pipe where it birthed flaming grubs which ate RamboCop's organic insides. RamboCop exploded, flinging the Vercetti larvae at random pedestrians who they also ate. The explosion-proof head scuttled back to its body and reattached to the neck.

Tommy roared so hard Vice City caught on fire and all the monotremes went extinct. Exhilarated at having purified the mammal class of stubborn primitive filth, Tommy flew to San Andreas using the Rudymobile where he crashed it into CJ's house!

CJ cackled as he summoned his war suit from a dimension of pure unadulterated agony. The chestplate was crafted from the silicon pelt of Claude, the greaves were alligators, the pauldrons were forged from demonic cartilage and bile, the sabatons were shark heads and the helmet was crafted from the pulsating corpse of a red giant from eons gone by.

CJ withdrew from a holster carved from the skull of Satan a great sword, whose blade was forged from liquefied copies of Grand Theft Auto V. Its handle was covered in a fabric made from the skin of Franklin, the cockflesh of Trevor and the heart of Michael. The hilt was made from the exsanguinated vaginas of PS1 consoles. CJ swung this unholy blade of mindless nostalgia at the Rudymobile, slicing it in half with a single swipe!

CJ then roared as he channeled his death power into the blade, making it quiver and screech like a battered, filthy, cum-stained X-Box having an orgasm. He plunged this blade through Tommy's chest, tore his draconic heart out, rubbed it on his dick then ate it. Tommy laughed as he didn't need no "heart" weakshit, then jump-kicked CJ in the chest, leaving shoeprints on Claude's weather-treated skin. The face-skin laughed, the shot, from the eye-holes, lasers made of wanted levels and the blood of tanks at Tommy. Tommy drank the blood, causing him to sprout a tank cannon where his heart once was, which protruded from the swordhole.

Tommy shot CJ's armor off with the titcannon, but CJ ate the remains of his armor, transforming him into a samurai t-rex with chainsaws in place of little arms. The chainrex swung his arms at Tommy, but Tommy hid in an alleyway where CJ couldn't follow him because he had a big head and chainsaw arms.

Tommy threw a garbage can at the sun, angering it so it ripped open a rift to a dimension where alien centipedes on tricycles riot against the scorpolice who have laser railgun telsons and constantly give birth every 5 seconds to scorplings made of cockroach cocks which oppress the centipedes by eating their children out of their highly advanced centipede wombs. The oppressed centipedes ripped into San Andreas and cut CJ's saw-arms off which they sacrificed to the god Flapfappy, but Flapfappy hated saws so he kicked the Grand Theft Auto Earth into Saturn, which GTA Earth argued with about Donald Trump's face while CJ fucked the rings with his massive tyrannodick, the climax making him regrow his chainsaw arms.

CJ got the icy rings of Saturn pregnant. They immediately gave birth to Super Saiyan RamboCop reincarnated, except he now had a scorpolice stinger and a tricyclopede womb. He shoved CJ's giant dino head up his centipede vagina, queefed down his throat, then stung him in the jugular 4732 times with the railstinger. CJ ripped his head out of RamboCop's bug vagina then punched him with a chainsaw. RamboCop roared as he dropkicked the chainsaws off then ate them. The armless CJ cried as he fell forward and couldn't get back up. RamboCop shit on him, dickslapped him then had scorpipede babies inside of his cloaca, which ate him alive from the inside out. RamboCop then Kamehameha'd the alleyway Tommy was hiding in. Tommy deflected the blast with his watch then threw his flaming liver at RamboCop, which melted his face!

"NOT THE DRAGONLIVER" shrieked RamboCop as the liver burned his head all the way off.

But then the Sexbox showed up and hijacked his body!

The Sexbox's thick coat of dry, hardened cum made it impervious to dragonliver. It cackled as it assimilated RamboCop's headless carcass and morphed into Super Saiyan Sexbox EX!

SSSEX tried to kick Tommy with its fabulass legs, but Tommy parried them with headbutts then put his liver back in. Tommy then took to the sky and spit a stream of fire at SSSEX. The sex machine cackled then threw its arms at Tommy. Tommy caught them then stuffed them in his belly button, to roast them for use as a trump card against the inevitable Faggio uprising.

It was for naught, since the Faggios were ridden into battle by the Super Saiyan RamboCop scorpipedes who laughed at roasted metal arms. They channeled their might into the Faggios, which all fired beams of recussitation to a point of convergence. From the blinding glow walked a revived CJ, who was no longer a dinosaur but had a chainsaw for a left arm and was still a samurai.

CJ channeled bushido energy into the chainsaw made from seppuku blades then thrust the blade through Tommy's gut. Forged in fire, the chainsaw was impervious to the draconic organs which it pulverized until they jammed the blade. CJ cleaned it by dipping it in the ocean, wasting the foul innards and warping them to the nearest hospital.

The hospital staff panicked because the guts set fire to the hospital, so they flocked to the crime scene in droves, punched the scorpipedes off the Faggios then stole them. The Faggio doctors touched Tommy, fixing him, then touched SSSEX, reviving RamboCop and separating the Sexbox parasite from his body. RamboCop threw the Sexbox at a building. It was a Sexbox 360, and got a red ring of death. Tommy was afraid of the cantaloupe knights, so he shit flames which made all the tanks pregnant.

At that moment, the gods decided to revolt against the Faggios, but the Faggios were made of extra-dimensional lasers and the orgasms of gay cockroaches. The Faggios drove in one massive circle, faster and faster, until they started to glow and converged into a halo of luminous slag. The Faggiofluid hardened up into the form of a massive dick cannon. This cannon fired an unholy blast at the gods, killing them all and enraging the royal guard of planet Cantalou.

The cantaloupes descended upon the Earth making Tommy burrow to Hell to hide from them. The leader, Kevin, flexed his fruity thighs then kicked the paramedics, making them explode, flinging healthy shrapnel everywhere and killing the flaming organs melting their hospital. RamboCop stomped the phallic superweapon into a pile of scrap metal then punched the junk pile through the carcass of the Sexbox. They fused to become Sexbox NEO who had a gargantuan cannondick which shamed even Tommy's titcannon. Sexbox NEO's chestplate resembled an Xbox One crossed with a tank made by fairies. it shot a beam of glamour at RamboCop, which turned him into Gay Tony. Gay Tony dickslapped Sexbox NEO, but the Sexbos was straight and only let his owner jizz on him for free armor, so he was immune to the dick element. Sexbox NEO tore Gay Tony's dick off, impaled Kevin upon it, then flew to the center of the Earth where he punched the dickaloupe through his face.

"How did you fine where I-" Tommy's words were cut off as Sexbox NEO shot him with Faggios made of cantaloupe flesh from his cannoncock so fast, they were tachyonic cantaloupe Faggios and created a parallel timeline where they backfired back up Sexbox NEO's rifled dickhole and merged with him, becoming Sexbox FAGGIO!

Sexbox FAGGIO jumped through the tachyonic wormhole and attacked Sexbox NEO. There could be only one Sexbox. Tommy cheered them on, but FAGGIO jizzed metal cantaloupe goo and seeds on him. Enraged, Tommy killed Sexbox FAG by sodomizing his exhaust pipe with the titcannon.

Sexbox NEO was eternally grateful towards Tommy, so he fixed his face and they became allies to fight the cantaloupe and scorpipede legions, as well as motherfucking Gay Tony.

Gay Tony fires his beams of magnificence at the scorpipedes and cantaloupes, morphing and combining them into Niko Bellic, who froze Tommy's arms then gave him an atomic wedgie. Niko tried to break Tommy's arms off, but he was intercepted by Trevor Philips who flew out of a passing grocery bag, and was also a scorpion. he hopped onto Gay Tony's back then stung his butthole 58 times with his stingerdick, then pinched his face off which he chewed up then spit at Niko, who laughed then kicked Trevor into a snake which was on holiday from Ireland and was so fucking fat, it had 6 elephants and a brachiosaurus orbiting it. The snake swallowed Trevor, who stung it in the stomach making it retch him out and cry stomach rape, which got Trevor an instant 5 star wanted level. But Trevor shut the fat fuck the fuck up by breaking its tongue off then feeding it to James Bond who was mating with the planet Venus.

James Bond came, then Venus exploded for no reason at all which he narrowly and dramatically escaped. James Bond was tired of crimes so he glued Trevor's pedipalps to Niko's hands then shoved both of them up Tommy Vercetti's dickhole. He cut a hole in the crust with his eye laser which made them fall to Hell where they argue with scorpipedes and Faggios eternally. Sexbox NEO was now disowned, so he moved in with James Bond, where he became James Bond's bitch. For more information on James Bond's bitch, contact Flapfappy at 586.3 Starscoop Flea Boulevard on Mount Meatymeat on planet Cantalou.


	4. Chapter 4

Mitch Baker lie, asleep. He dreamed of a time when Tommy Vercetti was but an alcoholic grasshopper, and Vice City was not a city but a great nation which had 5 dictators in its time before it was struck by the New Wave of Freedom which turned it into an America.

The founder of Vice, Sonictits, was the great great great great great great grandmother of Candy Suxxx. Her boobies were so massive, they were hollowed out to fit cathedrals in which the people of this young desert nation worshiped Vercetti, the god of shitstorms. Unfortunately, this dynasty was short-lived before Goobertroob, a man born with a boob in place of a penis, revolutionized the land, turning it into an expansive oasis where sharks claimed dominion. Sharks used to have legs in place of fins, but the sharks did not believe in Vercetti, so the people of Vice crusaded against the toothy people, forcing them to live in the water where they became shark mermaids.

With the fall of the atheist sharks, Vercettism became the universal religion of Vice's people. The god himself descended upon Vice and granted unto his people a great miracle: the miracle of crack. The citizens got so fucked up on Vercetti's divine creation, they thought there were 3 more dictators after Goobertroob, who was assassinated by Vercetti. But Vercetti had his body stolen by a drunk bug named Tommy, becoming Tommy Vercetti.

Mitch Baker awoke from his nap. He was in a cold sweat. He went in the kitchen, opened his fridge and took out a carton of cocaine. He chugged it, then shuffled back to his couch, where he drifted off to sleep once more.


	5. Chapter 5

Joey Leone pondered why Claude is a quietface. He sat perched upon an orb made of wealth and the sweat of Mafia Sentinels, which hovered above the old maid. Down below, ants imbued with the autistic dichotomy of the stock market oxymoron scurried to various points in this vast plane. It is for naught, as all beings march towards a singularity no matter the path they meander.

Joey laughed at the futile floundering of the failing fucklings. He drifted upon his orb to the sandy land of San Andreas.

When Joey touched down, he was immediately dropkicked by a creature made of refuse which would eat its own dick if the face could come off. This beasty looked like the product of a bridge troll getting frisky with a dumpster, which got run over 34.7 times by moas, but stood back up and wrestled 30 Haast's eagles into submission, which he made his bitches and now has a harem of Haast's eagle bitches who give him free talonjobs whenever he snaps his superior placental fingers.

The bird pimp told Joey his name was Trevor and no one else may touch his chicks. His favorite eagle, which he named Oldboob, perched on his shoulder. She laid an egg, which fell to the ground and rolled to Joey's feet. It hatched into an eaglet with Trevor's face. It thought Joey was its mom.


	6. Chapter 6

The bird with a roadkilled troll face cried because she wanted Joey to vomit in her mouth. Disgusted, Joey stomped the hideous apeface raptor to mush and got tiny, underdeveloped brain on his shoe.

Trevor would not have carfuckers from foreign times killing his retarded egg children!

"HOW DARE YOU, SHE WAS THE ULTIMATE EASTER EGG!" Trevor screeched as he sicced his eagle whore horde upon Joey Leone. Joey blocked them with a car named Doogalooger, who was his 233rd child with a Mafia Sentinel named Dibbley. All 395 of their kids were Mafia Sentinels with Joey's face in place of a windshield, but Doogalooger was a trans Diablo Stallion. Doogalooger called everybody burritos to distract them from the scars of car surgery. Doogalooger's pronouns are diab/diabs/diabself. Remember this or diab will run you down in your sleep and make you diabs personal burrito.

Doogalooger is a zombie car, since diab was murdered in jail by Tumblr Sentinels for betraying the Sentinel Family. Diab ripped open a black hole with diabs exhaust pipe then fired a blinding death light of pain from diabs ghastly engine which struck Trevor's eagles and melted them into a puddle of purple tarantula jizz, which caught fire while Trevor cried into an abandoned plume from Oldboob.

"YOU DISGUSTING OILCUNT!" roared Trevor as he shot her with a beam of misgendering. Diab dropkicked Trevor to eagle hell with diabs wheels. Satan flew from this kickhole, ripped diabs to slag because diab was so annoying, then melted the slag to shape it into a massive car dildo. But Trevor escaped from the hellhole, riding upon the winged shoulders of Demon Hitler, holding a hooker leg made of deep-fried chainsaws and sexy orgasms, and wearing nothing but the hides of Justin Bieber's ancestors. Demon Hitler used V-Create on Joey Leone, but it missed and exploded the ocean instead. Joey took his head off, punched it into Satan's liver then made him eat 587.75 termite dicks while Demon Hitler farted and Trevor sniffed his farts because Trevor is a fart.

Demon Hitler sharted up Trevor's nose, which enraged Trevor so he killed Demon Hitler by punching the leg through his mustache then literally eating out his asshole. He chewed the buttflesh. The taste reminded him of Canada.

Meanwhile, Satan and Joey Leone had fused to become Lord Dicknipple. Dicknipple fired his flaming rectum at Trevor, who tried to eat it but the sphincter blew up in his face, blowing it off his skull and into orbit where dewhickeys stole and ate it.

The faceless Trevor wrecked all of San Andreas while Claude cackled in the distance. He was piloting a dewhickey spaceship.


	7. Chapter 7

Franklin had found a car. It was stowed away on Mount Dewme, the capital of the planet Yeehickaw. The dewhickeys had devastated their car industry by burning all their cars in a great bonfire of metal and boomshine, so they had only one car left which was held in royal lockup by the dewhickey king, who was now Claude since he overthrew Phil Cassidy.

Franklin vaulted the mountain fence's pitchfork-hewn gate, which was laughably constructed, such that merely bearing his weight on it made the poor excuse of a barrier collapse. Franklin ducked into the shed. Six guards were searching for the Daisy Coyote pelt they dropped.

Franklin's foot knocked over a rusted beer sign. It instantly alerted the guards. They threw molotov cocktails made from empty glass bottles of Mountain Dew at the shed, but Franklin escaped by psychically undoing the molecular bonds of the shed's rusted metal roof and flying out using farts birthed from the flesh of Chop he digested for use as a trump card against the impending army of sentient Trevor dresses.

Franklin used his dog fart to propel himself to the Global Dewhickey Senate, but he flew into a window where he was wiped off by an auto-squeegee and failed the mission.

Franklin came to in a dewhickey hospital. The bed was a repurposed vehicular frame lost in the carfires, and the IV was full of beer and Mountain Dew.

Franklin was greeted by his doctor. It was Trevor, fully assimilated into the dewhickey form. It grinned a half-toothless grin, and spoke in an accent of pure foolery.

"Frankie my boy time to make you the greatest of all such as us!"

Trevor vomited concentrated Mountain Dew, which is dewhickey stomach acid, on Franklin's wounds, healing them but morphing him into a dewhickey. Franklin's meaty genitals shriveled to naught and his molars sprouted spermholes.

Franklin stood up to run away, but Claude entered the room. He and Trevor both took one of Franklin's hands, then they held hands themselves. The three dewhickey converts spun in a circle, faster and faster, until they brought down the sun which merged with them. The three beings turned to cheese, then to yogurt, which took the shape of Michael De Santa in a dress. The figure exploded into wanted level stars and a spray of alien viscera, which exploded the hospital into a fireworks show of wanted levels and hidden packages. The entire planet of Yeehickaw shed a massive Dew tear as it, unsupported by the gravitational pull of its sun, fell into a gigantic nostril.

Yeehickaw plummeted into Michael De Santa's nose. He sniffed it into his lungs, lost and forgotten.


	8. Chapter 8

The sun was burning away the futile acid prisons of the chemical robots. Trevor lie in a forged void where such beams of life and death never reach: a black hole of man.

Trevor rested his skull upon an eviscerated fish, a rib bone jabbing him in the neck. He ignored the bony blade as his mind drifted to a far away world, where humans are for naught. Trevor's consciousness was catapulted through a quantum tunnel and into the flesh of an alien cowboy named Greg.

Greg watched as his pathetic family got wasted by a dashing cyborg in a thong.

Greg laughed.

The cyborg was dumbfounded.

Greg stood up, approached the alien creature and groped him.

The cyborg introduced himself as Kartikeya.

Greg told him his name was Trevor, and asked Kartikeya if he wanted to fuck.

Kartikeya laughed sardonically, ate his helmet, then threw his massive mechanical arm to the ground, emasculated by the pitiful human's parallel psychopathy.

Trevor picked the arm up and licked it.

Kartikeya realized he and Trevor were truly meant to be.

Kartikeya led Trevor back to his home in Laila Belle. The interspecies gay sex which ensued was so brutal and taboo, Laila Belle exploded and all of Filgaia's golems died. The unholy couple cuddled in bed as they drifted off to nocturnal serenity.

Trevor awoke inside of the dumpster. He was now cradling a massive shotgun with a removable lightsaber handle. he fucked himself with the handle while, in an alien dimension, a cowboy named Greg woke in bed with his nemesis.

Greg thought of his wife, then went back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

The sun was a joker, and the dragons of unknown dimensions had become puddles of placenta extract. Trevor pondered how the scorpions gave birth in the dawn of land life. Transfixed by the conundrum of genetic inequality, Trevor had to use the scientific method. He killed a pterodactyl in the past with his mind then brought it to the present with his stomach. Trevor retched the reptile onto the road, broke its face off then etched upon his favorite dumpster the Philips Theory of Prehistoric Vaginas:

1\. Birds are a mistake and should never have stopped dinosauring. Pterodactyls were far superior prior to their subjugation at the claws of the Coop Clux Clan. But the CCC were eventually enslaved, their bigotry for naught.

2\. To catch mom's underwear, you gotta chomp it, then put it in a bag, and then sell it for 29 cents.

3\. The sky doesn't live, it only defecates upon us all. Ignore the sky at all costs, no matter how fervently it begs to add you on Skype. If added, it will spam you with bestiality blu-rays 253 times per second.

4\. Placentas are hereby the new currency backer of San Andreas. Fort Knockerupper will house 5,738.94 placentas, so as to leave no reproductively superior being underrepresented. This will back the equivalent of 5,858,753,754,134 dollars. Each new birth will have the placenta shipped to Fort Knockerupper, where it will raise the value of money faster than it can drop due to inflation.

5\. Materpiscis must be resurrected from the past. She will then unite the glorious master races to wage war upon the lesser peons to liberate their African earwig brethren.

6\. Time is a waste. Do not give it any more heed than the sky. They both do weed and lie about their sexualities, even to their open minded parents.

7\. You cannot identify the seed of despair. It grows inside of everything, even the wombs of time spiders.

8\. This theory brought to you by Red Bull.

Trevor wiped the pterodactyl beak upon his crotch to dry the inkblood, then ate it. He leaned back against the wall of the dumpster. He thought about vaginas.


	10. Chapter 10

Tommy Vercetti lie at the bottom of a river, wearing naught but a thong. Before respawning at a hospital, the history of a forgotten empire flashed before Tommy's eyes.

In the beginning, all was shadow. Then, the world was bequeathed light by the scarlet cockroach. This cockroach dressed only in suits made from guitars, and its legs were made of nipples. It was a benevolent entity, but this was for naught, as the roach was reviled by the leg monkeys, its worst creation. To this day, the cockroach's chosen children are oppressed by the sweat apes, for no reason at all.

The first sweat monkey empire was turned to dust by a hurricane of propaganda, the harbinger of its first overlord: Trevor Voncarian Snappleplagus Flittititty Asserel. Trevor built the first city and stole the first car, which was made from rocks and cockroach carcasses. Trevor's original sin gave birth to the wanted level stars, who fight valiantly but their fight is futile for they are doomed to become cop heads in a future teenage wasteland.

When Trevor was eaten by a cop whose mother was half Faggio, he was replaced by a being who was not a being but a stack of memory cards skewered upon the penis of a neckbeard. It pioneered the art of saving after buying weapons. But its art would soon be forgotten by many, for it had no penis, its memory being impaled by the dong it wished it had. Instead it had only the handlebar of a Faggio.

This handlebar was snatched up by a sentient guitar named Glootooter, the last of her kind to not be made into a roach suit. She smeared it upon a brain ape's hairy ass, turning the rocky village into the modern day Vice City. The guitar smiled, her work done, then birthed her life force into a passing goat, transforming it into Tommy Vercetti. He imprinted upon the guitar, then kicked it into the ocean because he's a mammal and wears the same pants on Sundays.

Tommy awoke from his coma in the hospital. He glanced at the calendar. It was Sunday. Tommy looked under the sheets. He thought about his pants.


	11. Chapter 11

Tommy Vercetti was on Mars, farting to terraform it for his silicon-based brethren and whatnot, when the sun cried rape and Tommy was pelted by meteors which were not really meteors because they were hidden packages full of wanted level stars which were shit out by the nipples of Claude.

Claude tore a hole in the space-time continuum to warp to Mars and dickslap Tommy. Tommy pretended he was a praying mantis, then bit Claude's penis off and spit it at a Martian. The Martian took the dick, cloned billions of copies of it, then erected upon blood-covered stones, in claudecock, the forgotten Martian civilization.

Claude stole a Sentinel made of his own dicks then chased Tommy across a bridge made of cocks, engineered by a disgruntled musician using Ableton for drafting. Tommy beat a pregnant Martian off of a dick Faggio then rode it into Uranus, the impact turning the planet to blue hell which consumed Mars and trapped Claude in a dimension populated by Purple Nines and cars lost to the ADHD of the unsung fallen trees.

A Purple Nine named Dawgboi screeched then threw potatoes with sexy legs at Claude. The lesbian spuds were the adoptive parents of three scorpions who got expelled from bug school for getting pregnant by Purple Nines and Martians, who fled to the Purple Nine dimension to give birth to their scorpiman babies. But the scorpions, tormented by nostalgia, keep interdimensional grocery bags should they feel the need to visit their home dimension.

Claude chopped the potatoes by glaring at them, then ate the lesbian fries. This enraged Trevor, who was one of the scorpimen, and he stung Claude's head off and threw it into a dumpster which contained an interdimensional garbage bag.

A bagger in Giant Eagle got the death penalty for putting a customer's cold chicken in a bag with a severed head. The box of chicken fell into the Purple Nines dimension.

The Purple Nines dimension has not had food for millennia. The rare entrance of food to the dimension results in all the Purple Nines waging war with one another over who gets to eat the food. But the war was for naught, as Claude's headless corpse ate the chicken, reviving his body and regrowing his head.

Claude had it with this dimension's glitchfaggotry so he beat the subspace to death with a baseball bat made out of memory cards, freeing the Purple Nines from limbo at long last and restoring proper chaotic order to Liberty City.

Tommy Vercetti revived Uranus by eating his necklace, then resumed farting on Mars.


	12. Chapter 12

Niko Bellic had to poop, but his anus was stolen by space placenta raptors and thrown in the trash where they dispose of gay cocaine bees who pray for lunch but only get scorpion socks on every half-Friday of the 48th bi-lunar eclipse of the foreign planet Goorgoorpoot: the home planet of the GTA protagonists prior to the foul earthling CJ.

Niko floated to Goorgoorpoot like the futile aspirations of the dinosaurs, where he met Tommy.

"Whyfore has thouth stoleth mine rectus?" Niko took a bite out of a passing falcon. It made his poop situation worse. He stirred in discontent.

Tommy Vercetti answered the brash inquiry. He was presiding over an ant farm for dimensions. In his lap was a giant spoon with a 4th dimensional name, a pendulum made of wooden antimatter condoms, and half a praying mantis frozen in crylogite.

"Whyshall't thusith requiris defecatis shan't uppitis galoris?"

Niko forgot how to talk. The core of Goorgoorpoot burned out. A dimension-ant rolled over dead. Tommy removed it from the farm and smeared its carcass upon the timeless bug butt, then resumed psychically orbiting 694 galaxies around his head.

Galaxy #458 was a realm populated entirely by the butts of various simian species. Some planets were inhabited by spider monkey butts, others by human butts, and so on. Planet Fruuop was the home world of human butts. It was in a 5,879 light-year war against CuuCuuFrut, the planet of hamadryas baboon butts. It was losing the war horribly, and as a result the human butt race had only three surviving individuals.

Niko kidnapped the last male human butt from Fruuop. He replaced his butt, then tossed the carcass of his old one at CuuCuuFrut. CuuCuuFrut was destroyed on impact, flinging the human butt POWs back to Fruuop and saving the critically endangered human butt race from extinction.

With the human butts saved, Tommy's motive for stealing butts was resolved. He resumed feeding the multiverse of dreams while Niko returned to Earth and fucked a cactus.


	13. Chapter 13

Gay Tony was shaving Lamar's pubes in the ravine of forgotten six star wanted levels, when the gaping crevice was raped by Trevor who threw both men at a satellite, which pooped then glued them to the moon. Gay Tony ate a crater then spit it at Lamar, catching the moon on fire and making all the echidnas explode.

Lamar liked echidna omelettes so he caught the other invisible moon on fire, freeing himself, then punched Gay Tony into the center of the Earth. Gay Tony met CJ there, who was naked, and sitting on a dank DJ rhino made of cockroach placentas.

"Why are you in the center of the Earth?!" Gay Tony screamed while dodging an army of axe bats from the axe bat dimension.

"Because Tony-" CJ was cut off by Gay Tony shooting him with axe bats from his dickhole at 6 times the speed of light, the bats made of sword tornadoes and the velocity made of taurine!

Gay Tony was struck by a meteor made of shattered dreams. He vomited crystal meth cut with AIDS into the River of Styx, punched through the mantle then rocketed through the crust, bursting through to the Vercetti Mansion which he sent into Pluto with a dropkick made of Rugers and exploding sharks.

Tommy Vercetti, who was on his way back to Mars from a visit to Andromeda's galactic core on a Faggio made of antimatter, was knocked off his ride by his own mansion careening through space. It destroyed Pluto on impact, erasing it as a planet or dwarf planet once and for all.

Triggered, Tommy headbutted Jupiter at Gay Tony. He caught the planet then fucked her stormy eyeball, making him question his sexuality while vampires queefed in the axe bat dimension. Tommy ate these queefs, then cried because Sunday was a day where he couldn't buy any pickled lemon dog fetuses because of religion's rusted iron grip.

Bi Tony was taken to court, because he owed Jupiter child support for Toniper, a terrestrial body no one could agree was a planet or dwarf planet. Fed up with this fuckery over barren rocks no one fucking cares about, Tommy Vercetti charged into the courtroom with his entire body cloaked in dragon's flame then ate Bi Tony's child. Freed from child support payments, Bi Tony stole Tommy's dick then sucked it while riding a tricycle into the sunset.

Tommy killed Jupiter then rearranged its gases into a new penis. This penis had a gravitational pull. Mercedes and their semi-celestial children orbit it to this very day, ladies and gentlemen.


	14. Chapter 14

Trevor questioned why taco mantises cry about wolf clit tornadoes on the 6th day of every Groonproon in the 58th paradigm. The sky turned into swastikas which melted into a subspace composed entirely out of unjust laws. Each planet was a tenet of tenacity, and Trevor was the great destroyer.

Trevor met a genderless entity. It looked like a spider crossed with a black hole put in a pencil sharpener then glued back together by Mongolian monks. This being mated with Trevor's face, then cried spores which melted together into a slag which became a clone of Trevor, but with no johnson.

Trevor Jr. killed its alien parent by thinking about black hole fisting, then took flight upon the bloodless wings of castrated vampires to the planet Hrr'gthr. The exodrakes freaked out as it ran around aborting pregnancies using its prolapsed anus as a coat hanger.

The exodrakes were nearly wiped to extinction from the attack, but Trevor Jr. tripped into a den full of hilos in heat. It got them all pregnant with sentient dildos made of cheese, so the hilos sued the den keeper, a Syachen named Kert A, who was himself a hilo hybrid.

Kert A had transcended his liminal being status and become a being made of sex itself. None could grasp its true 5th dimensional form, for the form perceived is subjectively catered to be the sexiest for every viewer.

Trevor Jr. hated Mary Sues so it killed Sex by snorting it up its butt then firing it into the sun. The sun was not a sun, but Tommy Vercetti transcended.

Tommy Vercetti laughed at Trevor's worthless offspring. Trevor Jr. threw an iron atom at Tommy then sipped a margarita under the supernova.


	15. Chapter 15

5,386 light years before Tommy freed himself from his water weakness by becoming a hydrogen fusing entity, Trevor was but a broken vacuum cleaner which always got math problems wrong, even the simplest of calculations. Shamed and ostracized by all the Roombas, this vacuum cleaner was given fish therapy to make it suck less, but the fish were gangsta fish and instead taught Trevor how to graffiti on those Roomba bastards' hideous faces.

Trevor's evolution of hands for graffiti marked the beginning of the end. He disassembled his former bullies, making him too smart to be a sweeper any longer. He evolved into a flying forklift which impaled star monkeys upon its knife wings while future generations cried upon statues of the death machine.

The ages wondered...


End file.
